Lord, Be My Life

--For the Lord is your life--

This last week has been a total reset for me. My heart, mind, body, spirit have all been put back where they should be--focused on God.

Here’s the deal: I’m an extremely passionate, impulsive, and all-in type person. When there’s something I believe in, I feel it’s a waste of time (mine and everyone else’s) to be anything other than completely potent. Not to say I don’t get complacent or have weaker seasons of struggle, but, as a whole, my heart commits to and pursues things 100% when I want to.

These are great qualities to have, but are meaningless when my commitments are on things with the Lord put in the backseat. It shows, too. For example, my workplace through Potter’s Field Ministries: MUDMAN coffee and burgers. It's not for profit--all proceeds go directly back into the ministry. I am obsessed with it. I would work there 200% of the time and would sleep at the restaurant if I could (believe me, I’ve asked). I love everything about it, besides cleaning the grease traps on Monday mornings. My passion and motivation, though, is because I love the work MUDMAN is a part of, and the fact that I get to be a part of it. MUDMAN quickly becomes #1 in my life and my relationship and passion for God takes #2 without me even noticing, because, hey--I’m doing the Lord’s work, right? I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the Lord, so the line between working for the Lord and working with the Lord becomes blurred. In short, my passion is not focused on where it should be: I shouldn’t have the Lord in my life--He should be my life.

Because what happens if I have a bad day at work? My life will collapse because I’ve banked on all my happiness and joy coming from there. Or what if, say, the Lord calls me out of MUDMAN or even Potter’s Field for a season? I’ll be devastated and may not even want to follow where He’s wanting me to go, all because I’ve placed so much value and purpose in the work I’m doing instead of my God I’m doing it for. My eyes become fixed on the what instead of the why.

Last week, I was hospitalized for an extensive and major blood clot and am on bed rest for a minimum of 10 days. It’s been a painful and difficult recovery, but good LORD has He been with me! It’s been a wonderful time of resetting my worth and value on what matters most. God has been so gentle and almost tangible in His reminders to me that He is here with every single one of us in every single moment, if we would only pay attention and see it!

I think we all subconsciously trick ourselves into believing we’re so close with the Lord and have so much communion with Him, simply because we are in ministry or are doing “His” work. Guess what? That ain’t what He says. He says to spend time with HIM. Sit at HIS FEET and cast our cares and anxieties upon HIM because He CARES for us! Read and study His Word so we can KNOW Him and have an actual relationship instead of an empty religion that will fall apart as soon as our circumstances become the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Deuteronomy 30 says the Lord IS OUR LIFE. How incredible our life would be if we actually kept that at the forefront of our mind? If we actually believed that? If we looked at all of the things HE IS instead of doing everything we can to look at ourselves, I know we’d be seeing our lives a whole lot differently.

GOD IS:

Endlessly good, true, infinite, healer, teacher, protector, redeemer, savior, love, just, comforter, father, unfailing, self-sufficient, holy, and unchanging.

Most of all, God is really, really good at being God. We don’t have to be God. We were never supposed to be God. He is God and we are not. It takes a lot of pressure off of living life, doesn’t it? He’s REALLY good at His job...if we could only learn to trust Him to do it! If we could only look at His Word and live based off THAT instead of the stories we write ourselves based off our past, our hurts, our emotions, etc…

Whoever is still reading this, I applaud you. I’m really rambling here, but am really just in AWE of how faithful He is to answer this simple prayer:

God, help me to know You more. I really, really, just want to know You.

I never want to forget this, and I know He is unchanging, so I know this is just yet another door He’s opened for me to walk through to know Him more. I am waiting expectantly on Him to teach me, but I am also going after Him fervently, first before anything else, turning down the volume of everything that belongs in second place. He is my life, but I want to make that true in my heart. Truth is truth whether you believe it or not, but isn’t life a whole lot more amazing when you accept and believe it? I want to believe in and walk out that truth--my life should be the proof of God’s hand. His work should be so real in my life that anyone can see it, instead of just me knowing it secretly.

As I sit here on bedrest, I am overwhelmed by the love He’s shown. Not just for me, but for each one of us. I have an incredible family who has sacrificed so much for me to be here, but also to show their love--true love--for me. He takes care of us; not just me, but each one of us. Maybe we can’t always see it, but we have to know and believe that He is good and works good from all things.

We can be overlooked or exalted or shamed or praised or isolated or envied by everyone else, but we are hand-picked by the God of the universe for a purpose. So, regardless of circumstance, my eyes will stay fixed on what He says for me, I will let go of being a victim, rise up in victory, and I will stand firm in Him Who calls me by His name.

Remembering

I thought I was serious about Ignite at the time, but it was really just a sick joke.
I was so ignorant to what a true Christian life looked like that loads of pride built up without me even realizing it.
It's fun to look back to the person I was in Ignite, though, because I can just laugh at who I thought I was compared to who I really was.

For example:
-The morning PFM was coming to my church, I almost didn't go because my hangover was so bad from the night before
-Did my over-the-phone interview for Ignite while being on a treadmill and at the gym the whole time
-Didn't bring my bible or notebooks or anything to training in Guatemala
-Wrote IBS assignments that I never followed through on
-Spent my On The Mount time doodling or writing my IBS that was due in the next hour
-Judged my classmate for having a rich family (a classmate who I am now best friends with, a classmate who now sleeps in the bunk under me, a classmate who I now can't imagine my life without)
-Apparently forgot I was on a scholarship for Ignite and that I was basically paid to be there
-Didn't take any correction, as I already knew everything I needed to know...obviously
-Continuously tried to catch the eye of a classmate during training, not at all concerned for his focus on the Lord
-Figured I was a bible scholar because I'd read the bible and had memorized scripture
-Thought the silent treatment solved any problem I had
-Slept through class, but somehow had endless energy to play games with my class at night
-Paid zero attention to other's prayers in the group because I was too busy writing a flourished and mature-sounding prayer in my head for when it was my turn to pray
-Doodled during Pastor Don McClure's classes instead of taking notes
-Secretly hoped people were watching when I got on my knees during worship, looking so very humbled
-Cleaned extra areas outside of my chores, but only when others saw me and knew about it, of course

It's funny, isn't it?
Look at all of the things we know we're so guilty of.
 It's too exhausting to try and maintain this facade. 
God didn't call us to that. 
Look at what He does when we finally drop the fake people we're holding up so desperately.
Look at the freedom and insane growth that comes from God when we let go of us and take hold of Him.

He called us to be real. He really came for us, He really died for us, and He really wants a relationship with us to really use us and spread His real Gospel.

It's not like He doesn't already see everything, so why do we still try to wear masks--as if He doesn't see who we really are? We're kidding no one but ourselves.

--Deny Kenzie--

--Proverbs 3:7--

"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil."

Everything a person needs to have a strong foundation on the Lord can go back to this verse.

Being a Christian is being called to love. That being said, we can't do anything unless we are doing it as unto the Lord and as He would have us do. If He calls us to love, forgive, follow, serve, fellowship, teach, lead, etc.., we must remember that's as the Lord would have us. We're called to do these things HIS way, not the way we see fit. I might think I'm loving or serving or following the best I can, but that's not what He said to do. I need to follow how He did it.

It's a constant struggle, to live in the world and in our flesh but to be called to a higher standard. We're called to have the heart of the Lord--to put on the mind of Christ, and how amazing it is that He's given us the ability to do it. He's never asked us to do anything He didn't already do. I am to deny myself and see the way He does. In the struggles and in the fruitful times, I know I'm blessed beyond comprehension in all of it. 

In every single second, He is good. He is endless goodness and never stops.

I've never known what it truly meant to rely on the Lord to be my everything until this season of my life--not even when I was in Ignite. Now, though, I finally came to Him and finally gave Him full reign in all arenas of my life. He's been so faithful with His promises; went I come to Him wanting to be more like Him, He makes it happen. 

Opening your life to Him, willing to give up all to Him, willing to change and let go of what matters most to you, and knowing it will hurt in order to grow and move forward, puts you in a place of true humility of looking to the Lord and His promises. You'll soon care about what He does, see how He does, and what matters to Him will matter to you. It will no longer be a "sacrifice" to give things to the Lord, because you see what He does and you can live with an eternal mindset, seeing how you can better glorify His name, and that will be your heart and all that matters. 

The Lord is no longer "good enough" for me, but He is everything for me. I used to think my current boyfriend, or my job, or school, or Ignite, or my friends, or my future husband was "my everything", but God really shows me every second of every day how true it is when I say this:

God is my everything.

Nehemiah 2:4

"The king said to me, 'What is it you want?' Then I prayed to the God of heaven,..."

Nehemiah's heart was grieved by the state of Judah and Jerusalem, and all of chapter 1 is a prayer from his heart to the Lord. He is filled with love for the land, and he mourns for the people of it, and confesses not only their sins, but his as well. Nehemiah prays for redemption and success. 
In the presence of the king, however, he is still saddened by this, and the king notices. I love that this is such a true emotion in Nehemiah--it isn't simple a fleeting feeling toward the city, but an honest burden that weighs heavily on him, to where he can do nothing but pray.
The king inquires of Nehemiah's desires, and BEFORE ANSWERING, Nehemiah PRAYS. I'm not even commenting on verse 5 for that exact reason. The Lord impacted my heart so heavily with that one realization: With all that is going on in his heart, with all the burden and grief, and with the king ready to give him what he wants, Nehemiah's FIRST point of action is to look to the Lord. 
My prayer is that this would be my heart. I can't trust myself with my own desires--if I were ever to be asked what I wanted, I would hope my first choice would be to pray first and seek what GOD would want me to want. 
His desires over mine. That's what the Lord has shown me in this verse. His desires aren't just better than ours, but they should be ours. We should want what He does, hate what He hates, love what He loves, instead of seeing Him as a far-off entity that doesn't communicate with His children. He is omnipresent, and is beckoning for us to come to Him with ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, so we need to utilize that in love. Instead of treating Him like a magical vending machine, we serve Him with everything we have. We look to Him for the answers, and obey His commands, because we love Him.

Application is to write pray FIRST on my wrist as a constant reminder that His ways ARE better than mine, and His choice should be the first and only for my life.

Colossians 1:5

"...the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel..." Colossians 1:5

This is where faith and love come from: our hope in Christ. When we have our minds set on Christ, His perfection, promises, and blood that washes us and deems us worthy, the natural result is to have an overflow of faith and love. Faith in Him for all things, and love for not only Him, but for our brothers and sisters. Keeping a single eye set on He Who commands us to love, it's difficult to think about yourself or about anything not glorifying to Him. The Colossians got it right. They're on fire for Christ because of their belief and because they serve wholeheartedly. This is such an inspiration, seeing their success. It's what we're meant to do: We're here to serve, not to be served, and remaining grounded firm in the Lord is the way to do it. 

This reminds me of Romans 12 how it talks about our "reasonable response". In that chapter, it's talking about offering ourselves as living sacrifices, as it's our reasonable response to what God's done for us. It's our act of worship. In the same way, when we put our HOPE in CHRIST, the reasonable response to Him is to have increased faith and love in all areas of our life. That's just what happens when we put our hope where it belongs, every single time.

Application is to write "HOPE = FAITH & LOVE" on my wrist as a reminder of what must come first to have faith and love in action in my every day life.

RE-ENTRY: WEEK 1

This is so incredible!
The mountains covered in snow, the frozen lakes, Montana is absolutely beautiful.

Being back together with my family of IGNITE Class 5 is probably one of the most wonderful feelings on the planet. No walls built, nothing to hide, only people who know you and want to hear everything. People who get it. They understand. The know what's going on. 
That makes the re-entry process so much easier--to be with family.

It's hard, because a piece of my heart has been ripped out and left with my kids and family in Guatemala, but it's a kind of cushioning effect coming back and being reunited with other pieces of my heart that had been ripped out in October and sent to Kenya, Uganda, and Costa Rica.

Couldn't be more excited for what the Lord has in store for us this month! 
Praise 'im!!

IBS WEEK 16

Proverbs 7

The key verses that stood out to me while reading this were verses 4, 7, & 8. We are to love, appreciate, and respect wisdom, and cherish it as a part of us.

After reading all of chapter 7 over and over again, the weight of it's meaning to me is important. There is not so much focus on the adulteress--that's not the main point. Sinners will always be there, as will temptation, but we're not to focus on that in life. We're not to focus on the woman in this passage. My focus is on the man going to her house. He is describes as a youth who lacked judgement. He may or may not have intentionally desired to meet her, but because of his lack of wisdom and judgement, he ended up in the area where he will be tempted. 

Verse 25 says to not stray into her paths, which amplifies what the man has done. This is good for me to read, because I have a tendency to end up in areas or situations that have the possibility of tempting me. 

My application is to put verse 25 in my concordance under "Life", as a reminder to not allow myself, my heart, or my thoughts stray into areas that would allow myself to be tempted.